It's not that I particularly have a true concern that my husband will find another woman more attractive than me and leave me for her. But he desires me to be at my *best* for him. All. the. time. I don't struggle with my self image in so many ways that women typically do. Are there areas I would like to change? Yes! Am I aware that some parts of my body are not that great to look at? Absolutely! But do I fret over what other people think of them? Nope. And therein lies part of the problem. I am a little too comfortable in my own skin. At least for my husbands liking.
I have no issues with going out of my house without having my hair done up and my makeup on. I can easily head to the market with my hair in a pony and my legs unshaved. I don't care. But for my husband, he likes me to have my hair and makeup done, even when he's not home. Don't get me wrong, I don't head out of the house purposely looking as bad as I can just to prove a point, but it doesn't get my feathers ruffled to take the kids to school wearing my slippers or to go grocery shopping sans mascara.
I've been with my husband since 1991. And we've been married since 2000, we've had the joy of being pregnant 5 times and the sorrow of burying one of our children... so trust me when I say he's seen me at my best AND worst. Where I struggle is when the Word of God gives a description of a beautiful woman, and my Christian husband sees the shell of what the world describes as beauty. They don't seem to mesh.
Ironically, I had been praying that *B* would have an "ah ha!" moment of his own at the seminar or at a men's retreat he was going to a week later. That his view of beauty and God's standard of beauty would reconcile and honestly that God would totally lay him out in how his attitude needed to change on this issue. Basically, I tattled to my heavenly Father.
And I would rally my friends and family to agree with me.
wow. yet another post sitting in *DRAFT*. This on has haunted me since I started it. I knew this one was siting in the cache, whereas the last post I had totally forgotten about. It has been burdening me and if I'm honest with myself, I would say that part of why I haven't logged back on in so long was because this post sat there. Forcing me to look at myself.
I also remember this day well. I had pulled up into my driveway.. in my minivan. How's that for a hott mom? I parked and set the brake and looked down at my white legs. Then all of the sudden these thoughts began to flood my mind. I was complaining in my heart that I shouldn't HAVE to look a certian way for my husband to be pleased. I was grumbling to God and wanted B to get spanked for it. Then it hit me that part of the sacrificial love I am to have for my husband is to do what I can to please him.
I thought about a job interview and how when we go to an interview we look our best. But what would happen if we showed up to an interview with wet hair, wrinkled clothes or old makeup on? I don't mean to say that my marriage is bound by eyecandy, but if I know that my husband really likes me to look a certian way, than why not do my best to give that to him. In all seriousness, he doesn't ask for much. This shouldn't be a big deal.
So over the past few months, I've tried to do things (in small strides) that will bring me back to somewhat of a resemblance of what I used to be. Or at least what the new me looks like having added 20 pounds and 15 years. But in all of my efforts, I have noticed a change in B too. He still likes me to be dolled up for him. But he has definitely cut me some slack on the way I look when he's not around. I'm a busy girl, with baby goop on my clothes and my hair in a pony. But he loves me.
I really don't remember where I was going with all of this when I first started this post. That's the problem with postponing things till the time is right. You forget. Little details and big ideas get lost. So here it is. Another post that's kinda raw and unfinished. Just like me. lol.