Tonight was smoother than most nights. I am usually the one to get dinner made and shoveled down the kid's mouths and bathtime/bedtime routines done. It's while I'm making dinner that everything usually gets crazy. The boys bicker, the phone rings, the baby wakes up.. the panic of "oh no , what am I gonna make for dinner?" sets in.. but not tonight. Tonight was easy.
The baby was set in his high chair, contentedly self feeding and the boys were playing Batman & Robin in the bedroom. Somehow watching Alvin and the Chipmunks for the fourth time inspired them to show brotherly love today. Fine by me.. the less quarreling, the better. I was able to get lost in my own quiet thoughts while I was cooking dinner. And when I looked over to that precious, chubby, quiet baby of mine sitting in his big boy chair.. this is what I saw:
He was feeding his dinner to the dog. sigh.
Earlier today I was going thru some professional photographer's blogs and websites and was so smitten by the images I saw. I do that from time to time, just peruse thru websites to gain ideas and fresh perspective, not just in portriature, but in life. They were so artsy and beautiful. Some were raw.. but a posed raw. Studio raw. I guess then, not very *raw* at all. lol. But still, beautiful. Inspirational.
So inspirational, as a matter of fact, that I got myself a pretty nice camera a while back, hoping to get my own collection of images. And although I admittedly haven't figured out how to use it to it's best capabilities, I bought it with the intentions of taking some of those beautiful *raw* pictures too. But insted of posing and enhancing a perfect shot, I've been pointing and shooting. Getting whatever the moment allows me to. Not much with an artsy flair either, much to my shagrin. I haven't even taken my own kids out for a real session with it either. Time escapes me.
So tonight, when I uploaded these, I was a little disappointed. I was hoping for that perfect "Norman Rockwell Shot". They certianly were lacking in the creativity department, that's for sure. Almost no artsy flair whatsoever... And then I thought to myself.. "Who really cares anyway? I'm the only one that will see them and know that I am not reaching my potential.." And that thought, has been hanging in the front of my brain for a couple of hours now. And it's really bugging me. But why?
Because I wanna have a pretty blog >>balls a fist and stomps feet on the ground<<. I wanna take awesome pictures >>pouts out lower lip<<. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna. I wanna some cheese with my whine.
Seriously? Can I just get over myself already? sheesh.
So what is it that is stopping me from doing it then? Is it the talent? Is it the time? Is it the true interest? I dunno. Maybe all three. Or maybe, it' just not my style. What I see on the computer screen is what I WANT to be. But not what I am. The two worlds are not meshing.
I know how to stage. I can get a babysitter. I can research it all. I've been educated and trained in the field. For heavens sake I can even develop film the old fashioned way by hand. So then, why do I look at something and identify with it in one aspect, but am not able to wholly incorporate it into who I am? For some reason, when the camera is in my OWN hands, I take a different kind of picture (albeit a little flat in dimension). I tend to take pictures that tell a story. Or maybe speak a word. I should be happy with that, right? Maybe that's just *me*?
At least I can take comfort in Phillipians 1:16: in that "being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in ME will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.."
No matter what I hold myself back from, no matter what stands in my Earthly way.. the work that He has started in me WILL be completed someday. Despite my best efforts to thwart it. I don't have to worry that He has gotten bored with me, or that He changed His mind about His plan for me... or that He wasn't talented enough to perfect it within me. He will continue to do it, until *that* day. How wonderful to know that I can relax in His perfect plan for me.
This conversation with myself reminded me of when I was in 5th grade. I was on the playground with a few friends and we were supposed to share with the class what we wanted to be when we grew up. I remember thinking to myself.. "Photojournalist".. but I was embarrassed to share that because I really had no idea what it was or how to be one. lol. It just sounded like a big fancy word to me. Fast forward 9-10 years and I'm taking a photography class. Three years later, I'm in Journalism and Editing. Finally, I'm graduating with a degree in the stuff, and still, I am not confident enough to claim it. To really claim it. So until I do, I suppose I'll be a closet photojournalist. But I'll live my dreams out here on my blog. And maybe even post some of my favorite pictures here. But don't be surporsed of you see the same faces over and over though. My kids are my favorite subject these days.